Buckle up.
David Elliott, CEO, started BEM as a serious venture.
FALSE. BEM was started as just one cog in an overelaborate practical joke and David just hasn't worked up the courage to tell anybody yet, suspecting that it'd rather ruin the fun for everyone who's put their time and money into the project. It's okay, he never reads this thing, so there's probably no harm in me telling you now.
David Elliott, CEO, had too good a time in the 90s.
FALSE. David insists that he didn't actually have a good enough time in the 90s, on account of all the terrible music and questionable fashion choices, as well as the arrival of a certain nagging dependent towards the end of the decade. No idea who that was.
David Elliott, CEO, doesn't listen to all the bands he signs.
ONLY TECHNICALLY TRUE. David doesn't listen to any of the bands he signs, otherwise he'd never find the time to sign bands. Actually listening to the music falls to Martin, James, and the BEM cat, Sid.
Sid, hard at work.
David Elliott, CEO, is hypoallergenic.
FALSE. David causes allergic reactions in susceptible individuals at distances of up to half a mile. Tragically, this includes David himself, who has been known to react unfavourably to his own beard.
David Elliott, CEO, was once arrested for Prog Crimes.
FALSE. They were Folk Crimes, and that's all I'm legally cleared to tell you.
David Elliott, CEO, is spicy.
PROBABLY FALSE. David is famed for his low spice tolerance, as exemplified by his official approach to curry: "nothing warmer than a korma". David himself is not believed to be spicy, but, without access to his full taste spectrum, we really have no way to be sure.
David Elliott, CEO, was briefly an uncredited member of National Health.
MOSTLY FALSE. While David never played for National Health, he did, at one point, bear a very slight resemblance to a bearded Alan Gowen, and could probably have played if he'd wanted to, provided that he got in early and security didn't bother to check.
David Elliott, CEO, is soluble in water.
FALSE. Human skin does "prune up" after prolonged contact with water, and David's is no different, but even extensive testing with powerful fire hoses failed to make so much as a dent in him. He then confiscated the fire hoses, which I honestly can't argue with. They were powerful.
David Elliott, CEO, is a Manchurian Candidate-style sleeper agent, programmed by the KGB just days before the fall of the Berlin Wall.
NYET. Extensive vetting processes have confirmed that David's mind is completely free of Soviet interference, at least for now. He's checked regularly as company policy, and we'll be the first to let you know if he starts displaying an unusual affinity for the colour red or starts talking about the means of production again.
David Elliott, CEO, isn't cool.
FALSE. He's very cool indeed. The coolest cat in town. Happy birthday, David!
Status Update
Preorders for A Map in Fragments and Close to Vapour are up and running, with less than a week left to go on the former, and 'Truck' is finally out. The real highlight of today, though, is David's birthday, which all BEM employees are required to celebrate as part of their contract. With that in mind, we'd better go get the party cannons set up - see you next week!