The Trunk 24/9/2017: 10 BEM Myths Debunked

Distinguished readers of The Trunk, it has come to our attention that certain aspersions have been cast in recent weeks about our beloved record label. We were hoping that such baseless hearsay would die down on its own after a while, but rumours continue to proliferate, and it's about time we set the record straight. So, this week, we're going to address some of the speculation surrounding Bad Elephant Music, and just how much of it is true.

David Elephant, CEO, is not a real elephant.

FALSE. David Elephant is 100% elephant, and DNA tests by multiple trusted loxodontologists have verified this. We can, however, understand where the confusion originates, because Mr Elephant is an Asian elephant (Elephas maximus) as opposed to the more common, and arguably more iconic, African bush elephant (Loxodonta africana). Thus, he is smaller and hairier than the traditional image of an elephant, with smaller ears, and only 19 or 20 pairs of ears compared to an African elephant's 21; however, he has a more dexterous trunk that can perform far more complex tasks.

Left: an Asian elephant in the wild in Bandipur National Park, India. Right: David Elephant, CEO.

The name "Bad Elephant Music" has secret occult symbolism.

FALSE. Well, as far as we know. There may well be some secret society somewhere for which "Bad Elephant Music" resonates with unfathomable amounts of eldritch power, but it's probably not us.

BEM is soon to announce that it has signed a newly-reunited Gentle Giant.

FALSE. We keep pitching them the idea, but Gary Green's stopped returning our calls.

BEM has no PR department, and public relations are handled by an experimental supercomputer.

MOSTLY FALSE. PR reps Huw Elliott and James R. Turner are definitely real people (last time we checked), and they handle BEM's public relations themselves, without the aid of supercomputers. A pilot scheme to replace Huw with a Markov chain bot went awry when the bot gained access to his hard drive and started posting blurry photographs of Magic: the Gathering cards instead of news, featured tracks, and other label-related content. We suppressed the incident as best we could, but we are unlikely to experiment with public relations AI again for the foreseeable future.

David Elephant, CEO, committed acts of physical violence against Tom Slatter at the 2016 Prog Awards.

FALSE. Mr Slatter's reports that David Elephant threw "knives, plates, [and] the smaller members of Big Big Train" at him in a fit of violence at the 2016 Prog Awards ceremony, fatally wounding a parallel universe version of Mr Slatter in the process, are heavily exaggerated. However, Mr Elephant wishes it to be known that, if he wished to do so, throwing the larger members of Big Big Train too would be perfectly possible, what with his elephantine strength.

BEM is soon to announce that it has signed Steven Wilson.

NOT A CHANCE. Steven Wilson's success is as dust on the wind compared to the plans we have for the next twelve months. Quite a lot of dust, granted, and a rather strong wind.

The recently announced third album from Trojan Horse, Fukushima Surfer Boys, now available to preorder from the BEM webstore, is intentionally being released three years to the day (because it's their third album) after World Turned Upside Down.

TRUE, ACTUALLY. We literally said as much in last week's post. Keep up.

Acclaimed comic book artist Mark Buckingham is behind the cover art for several BEM releases.

ALSO TRUE! Recent examples include Valdez's This and The Fierce And The Dead's Field Recordings, as well as BEM's 2016 Christmas sampler. Beeyootiful!

BEM is soon to announce that it has signed popular grime artist Stormzy.

FALSE. We do at least know where this one comes from - David Elephant did once see Stormzy for a moment while out for dinner in central London. You're not going to see him on Bad Elephant Music anytime soon, though.

BEM is a shell company used as a front for an international panda-smuggling ring.

FALSE. David Elephant, CEO, is vocal in his disdain for pandas. This would just be stupid.

Status Update

Universal Medium is out, Fukushima Surfer Boys is up for preorder, and Charlie Cawood, who you may know from My Tricksy Spirit, is signed to the label ahead of a November solo album release.

The Fierce And The Dead are playing live tonight alongside Monkey3 and Lo Chief. At the time of writing, there are still a few tickets left, so, if you're at a loose end tonight, come and catch three great bands for the price of one!

We're leaving our next Review Roundup until next week when word's out about Universal Medium. Until then, may your time signatures be irregular!